Soliloquy en memoriam
by Limey
Summary: A love that proved impossible; a pained performance in memory of its demise. A unique little one-shot that features Eiri x Shu.


AN: More notes at the bottom regarding my lameness in releasing new chapters, story stuff, etc. Thank you again for your positive reviews and support of my stories thus far! And I hope you enjoy. :)

_Italics = Flashbacks._ Pretty obvious if you ask me.

[And by the way: I don't own these characters... and it will be my lifelong sorrow. ;_; ] 

Soliloquy en memoriam.

     He didn't know why he had kept the flat, even after what he cared about most had departed permanently. Sentimentality; bittersweet memoirs embedded on every empty wall in the rarely-lighted space. He hadn't changed a thing--he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried. Changing meant letting go, and he clung to his well-worn memories for dear life. The sound of footsteps, the clickety-clack of the laptop keyboard, an exasperated sigh...fragments of home to him, to the home that he was still willing to be, if only...

     If Eiri ever wanted to find his old lover, he would still have something--someone--to come home to. With an unnervingly placid face, Shuichi turned the knob to the master bedroom and let the door creak open on its own as the smell of musty air overwhelmed his senses. Must, and maybe a hint of a particular aftershave that made his heart throb painfully in his chest. He never really cared much for this room anymore, and for good reason.   
     It was here... where they had last danced.

  
     _"Yuki...Yuki, **please**, just listen--!"_

_  
     _Here he had begun the movements; the choreography frantic, rushed, needing. He closed his eyes in the silence of the remembrance, the discordant music still ever-fresh in his mind. Then--then, during their last performance, his eyes were wide open.  
     Or rather, they were awakened.

  
     _"How can you leave me like this, Yuki? After...after you finally admitted that you...you..." His voice cut to a reverent, pained whisper. "You love me."_

  
     His dance became awkward, his body spinning then crouching into itself slowly. But his eyes, in defiance, were staring forward--he couldn't protect what he had chosen to give away willingly. He ached, he thirsted, and the dance was like water to his parched lips... drawn to its rhythm, its dissonant comfort, he refused to fight the urge to leap into his indulgences. The lithe man took strides in all directions, ignoring the pain upon each landing, searching--   
     What was he chasing after now? He buried himself completely in the long-gone melody, his fractured dance, as the lone spotlight submersed his silhouette in melancholy blue. 

  
     _"How can you say that you leaving is for my own good? That you'll taint me?" The tears stung; his lover's refusal to meet his eyes hurt more. Shuichi realized at that moment, with sharpening clarity, that Yuki had every intention of leaving him behind forever. And it broke him completely.   
     A voice that would sound indifferent to most cut through the sobs. "You were supposed to be asleep," he whispered, as he clenched his small suitcase. His other hand grabbed at his own face as he suddenly jerked his head down to hide the all-too-obvious pain. "Shuichi."_

  
     Phantom hands lifted his agile body off of the ground as he leapt trustingly into their embrace. The dance once again became frantic with denial, as the smaller man danced with the evasive shadow that was his partner.  
     Always at arm's length and never closer. No sane man would try to wrap his arms around darkness. It would envelop him wholly.

  
     _"How..." He was beyond pain as he stood from the bed they had just shared. "How...how **dare** you." He exploded. "How **DARE** you! After all that we've been through, all that we've sacrificed--you throw it away because of your presumptuous, self-righteous thoughts? You son of a bitch!"_

  
     They continued to dance, becoming closer with each breath...never aware of their steps, perfectly aligned with one another's. He always said that Shuichi cried too much. And he cried now, the light and tears blinding his vision. He flailed his arms in front of him, trying to pull away from the spotlight--now a harsh absence of color that scorched his skin. Away from what the light had illuminated, that could now no longer recess into shadow.

  
     _"Why didn't you stop this earlier? Before I fell completely for you, no matter what you did? Do you think that by giving up on our happiness, you'll leave me better than when you were with me?" His voice was hoarse; was he screaming? "You're never going to let yourself be happy, Uesugi Eiri. You deny yourself of the emotion, even when it's all I ever want to offer you. How can you claim you know what's best for me, when you don't even know where to start with **yourself**?"   
     A muffled, broken voice sounded in the ensuing silence. "Someday...you'll understand, Shuichi...why, how...and that I care. Love...maybe...too much. And I... it's okay... if you hate me, it's okay. This way, at least, I can't hurt you anymore."_

  
     The phantom shudders, reaching toward Shuichi's prone form furtively. 

  
     _"I never wanted to hurt you, Shu." _

  
     And the movements cease. The spotlight fades, the music crashes to a halt and the dancers crumple to the ground as the darkness overtakes them. Shuichi can't stifle his sobbing at the end of his recollection as his body heaves with exertion.  
     It had been at least two years since... and he still couldn't bring himself to hate his former lover, because Yuki had done it all out of love, after all. Stupid, unreasonable, selfish love--Yuki's warped, self-sacrificing idea of it. Shuichi curled into a ball at the foot of his bed, emptied. Yuki had wanted to take Shuichi's smiling, sleeping form with him as a last picture in his head. The blond, in the end, had only managed to take himself--a more than strong enough poison to Shuichi's veins.   
     "If you hate me, it's okay," a voice echoed softly in the surrounding dark. "...I can't hurt you anymore..."   
     Shuichi buried his face in his hands.  
     "Liar," he sobbed. "Yuki Eiri, liar..."  
     The shadow wrapped its arms around Shuichi, enveloped him more into its feigned warmth as it cried with him.   
     "I'll hate me enough for the both of us," Eiri whispered in Shuichi's ear, his cold tears mixing along his former lover's jaw line. "Shuichi."  
     "Yuki..."   
     His eyes opened, and he was alone.   
  
  
fin.

________________________________  
     Short, huh? Heh... those are the most fun to write.

     Sorry I haven't released _The Sure-Fire Cure, Chpt. 2_ yet. One-shots tend to be a lot quicker to write, and I've had a hell of a time trying to balance everything in my life out over the past two months. I'm almost done with the chapter and have been for a while though. :p This one was kind of eating at me to get out though, so I obediently complied. Let me know what you think. Should I continue it and try to come up with a resolution, or leave it as is? The pressure is on...

Limey (Kris)


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